I am having great difficulty focusing my mind. I feel as if the neurons are firing all over the place. The fear comes in because I can't tell if this is some type of fire storm before they burn themselves out, or, more of a firing up for some great project ahead. It feels as though my life could go either way at this point.
I have a leaden inertia that makes it impossible to move, sometimes to breathe. I think of so many things I want to do, want to try, but I remain unmoved, still, dead.
Take this writing project I have tried; NaNoWeiMo. My heart is so full of stories but I am unable to find the translation key, to change these things in my heart into words. I feel this is true in many areas of my life. My heart is full of love for my family, but I rarely tell them that I love them. I always feel so awkward when I do, as if I am afraid my love will not be returned. I am so insecure, and yet I suspect that most people who know me wouldn't suspect that about me. I have spent a lot of my life hiding, and protecting my inner most thoughts.
Except with God. I pour out my heart to God, but I rarely feel God's love, presence. I know God is present, and there is no way I can explain that knowledge. It is one of those things in my heart for which I am unable to find words. There have been a few special moments when God was so near that I could reach out and touch Him. (yes, I refer to God in terms of "Him" although I believe God is somehow both male and female. After all, we are all created in God's image.) And i certainly experience the results of God's presence with/in me.
There are the dreams I had about Ted, that we would marry, at a time I was very far from feeling that. I laughed at the time, until Ted proposed to me very unexpectedly. (I was trying to break up with him permanently.) Boy did I feel the full impact of God's presence that day!
There are the series of GIM journey's in which God was present to me; sitting with Jesus in the empty tomb, hearing the chorus of angels sing of God's love for me, being a small child cradled in God's arms. And those moments when I went walking in Wissahickon Creek, feeling the sunshine through the tree leaves and knowing God was with me.
But I have spent so much of my life hovering in the back of a dark, dank, cave of depression. I know God is with me there, but I so want to be released into God's light. I think that is why I crave AZ so much. Somehow, there, I can feel the sunshine, at least some of the time. The deep blue sky fills my heart and I can breathe again. But even here in AZ, I hibernate. I don't leave the house for days. I wonder at times if I will ever leave, and then I muster the energy and go out.
I have no idea what the purpose of this discourse is. I am wandering "bunny trails". But somehow this is expressing my very confused and frightened heart right now.
I have no purpose and that scares me. Why am I still living if I have no purpose? There is a strong part of me that has been ready to let go of this life for such a long time. I just don't have the energy to keep trying. But I don't want to leave Ted and Aaron and Becca and Bernadetta and Konrad. I love them each so deeply. I want to support each of them as best I can. But I fear that I am more of a drain than a support, especially for Ted. He has been such a wonderful husband; more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed. I have no doubt that he has has been absolutely faithful to me. How many women are able to say that in this day and age? He has carried me throughout our life together. My depression has made functioning so difficult so much of the time. And yet he has stayed with me.
There were times when I felt so distant and cut off from Ted.He has too often been a slave to his work and I felt abandoned. I am amazed that he still feels so insecure about his value at work. Even now he seems to have times when he fears he will be fired.
And there are so many people who seem to have such close relationships with their children, but I rarely have meaningful conversations about life and love and hopes and fears with my kids. It comes back to that business with the full heart and no way to translate all those feelings into words. I care deeply about their happiness, and am so proud of the wonderful adults they have become, but so rarely tell them so.
And Konrad! I want to be his go-to granny, but don't know how to relate to him. He is so physical and I am such a lump. I gaze at his pictures on my computer and am amazed at what an amazing child he is; so creative, fun, intelligent. But I have no idea how to heal or channel his dark side; his deep anger at times, so like Aaron, and, apparently Bernadetta as well. Poor kid; a double whammy of angst!
And I wish they could each know God's love. Even though I don't feel God as I would wish, I KNOW that He loves me, and died for me so that we could have relationship. I wish for that peace and knowledge for each of them as well.
And that brings me full circle to my time of Centering Prayer. I can't get my brain to quiet, to listen for God's Voice. My mind runs in circles and over hill and dale. I never have a sense of God's presence during my prayer time. I rarely have a moment of inspiration or insight from God. And yet my life is richer when I spend time trying to listen for God's Voice.
All this has poured forth from my 20 minutes of listening.
God of heaven and earth:
Have mercy on me, a sinner saved by Your grace. thank you that in all these meanderings, You know my heart. You know the fullness and the emptiness that I so often feel. you alone are able to hold all the opposites of who I am in one being.
Help me to have the confidence of Your presence and the ability to hear your voice.
Help me find purpose in serving You. Help me to know HOW I am to serve You at this point in my life.
In Jesus' Holy Name I pray, AMEN!
